I can't hang on forever

Ok, so I'm coming to the realization that I have a son just like me! Great. He's only five months and likes to do everything his "ownself." Like, putting peaches in his eyes because he can't figure out smoothly getting the full spoon to his mouth. This also is rough when he has peaches all over his hands and then grabs the white wood blinds because they're within reach, grabbing my face and my hair, rubbing his peach covered face on my nice clean shirt and then ending it all with a screaming fit rubbing his eyes because he's tired. Maybe feeding the baby peaches at night isn't the best idea.

So, I've gone 2 full days now without nursing. He refuses me. My desperate attempts to pacify him with a few drops of mother's milk has completely been rejected for 2 days and I am sad. I can't make him nurse. I can't make him open his mouth for some peaches. I can't sanitize everything he wants to put in his mouth. I'm gonna have to let go a little bit. If I don't, it looks like he's going to make me. Wow. If I had only known how much my mom loved me when I broke her heart time and time again. Mom's are incredible. At least I'm coming to realize this while she's still alive and healthy. I have to realize Zack's on loan to me by God and it's our responsibility to raise him to be a man after God's own heart. Wow.

I really need to get back to church.

Anyway. Other than that, my house is up for sale and I have no place to go. Well, I could live with my parents, but I'm not that desperate yet. We'll see in this market how quickly my house sells. For now, I'm just taking a leap of faith both in the sale of my house and the upbringing of my son. I need to learn to lean more on God's understanding than my own. Things never work out right when they're in my hands. It's a good things I'm not God.

Hindsight #1

A lot has changed since my last post. I have gone back to working nights full time...whew, is that a change!!

Along the same subject as my last post, on my first night back at work, my coworkers made me the cutest scrapbook ever. I absolutely love it. So, the lesson to learn--don't ruin days that can never be taken back because of stupid stuff you don't know about. LoL. If that makes any sense at all! I didn't enjoy the baby shower because I was too busy have hurt feelings (or a pity-party) and I can't ever have that day back to have fun or say goodbye to people leaving. But, like they say, hindsight is 20/20.

Speaking of hindsight, I'm really trying to live life with no regrets, but it seems as though the more time that passes, the more I wish I would have done when it comes to life stuff. I'll have to get into that next time. The boss says he's done sitting here while I type. :)

It was a rough weekend...

So, I had great plans for this weekend. They involved a former teachers baby shower and a co-workers baby show. The former teachers shower was fun, though I didn't really know anybody. I didn't win any games, but I did get to show off Zack, which was fun. I forgot my party favor as I went out the door--bummer!!

But the real bummer was sunday. I really love the co-worker that the baby shower was for. She is beautiful, sweet-spirited, a lot of fun and just the most adorable pregnant woman you've ever seen (and I've seen a lot--I work with them!!). Well, I was doing really well, until she opened a scrapbook that a ton of people put time and effort into personalizing for her so she only had to stick the pictures in it. What a clever idea, huh? It was also really special that 5 people went in to putting together the shower and it went really smoothly. So, I'm sure you're thinking, yeah, what's the problem? Well, the problem is I got really hurt feelings. I mean, I just had Zack 2 1/2 months ago. I've worked with these people full-time for a year and part time as an extern since summer, 2003. Here it goes...Nobody gave me a shower. Like 5 people from work came up to the awesome shower I did have given by my Family. I mean, I got a few presents here and there from co-workers...but I didn't get a shower from them, or a homemade scrapbook, or a cake and games. Am I just having a pity-party-feel-sorry-for-Alisha moment? Or are my hurt feelings valid? So, the worst part is, I kinda lost it when I saw the scrapbook thing, since apprently this is a tradition (at least on night shift!). I felt the tears a comin', so I stuffed them. Then, my eyes started welling up, so I got up to the bathroom and tried some deep breathing. It worked for a minute. Before you knew it, I was back around everyone trying to stuff my feelings, until someone said "are you ok?" I lost it. I really didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to ruin my co-workers shower. After all, it was her day. Her day to be in the spotlight and surrounded by love. I didn't want to ruin that and I hope I didn't.

So...I ended up leaving. It was over anyway, but I didn't get a picture with her or to tell her she was gorgeous or say goodbye to the coworker moving out of state...In the end, not only am I bummed about the stuff I just listed, but I robbed myself of a good time and a good bye. Hopefully my coworkers don't think I'm an emotional space-case. Does motherhood do this to ya? Am I just really hormonal? Am I destined to be, what feels like, a blithering emotional, sensitive woman who's now sentenced to wearing her heart on her sleeve? Help me out here. Show a little honesty, but don't hurt my feelings. I've been known to cry.

My First Blog- Time Flies

Today is my first blog, so forgive me if this is lame. So, I decided I better have my photos from vacations and major life events printed from Cd's that I have because I am being overwhelmed with a huge number of baby photos. I figured if I didn't develop them now, they'd never get developed...so, over 600 prints later and $150 poorer, I have a pile of pictures to scrapbook. So, throughout organizing and reviewing, I couldn't help but reminisce. Now, I'm a little depressed. I can't believe how fast time has flown by. I'm past Jr. High camp and High School dances and games. I've gone to college and graduated. I've purchased a house, settled in a career and already have a son that is 10 weeks old. Hello!! Where has the time flown by? I can't believe the my life is flying by so quickly and I don't know where it went!! Wow. :( Anyway. I better go to sleep. They say to sleep when the baby sleeps, but I'm not very good at that yet. I better tonight, since tomorrow is an early morning.